ເນື້ອໃນ
ຄົນທີ່ແຂງແຮງຮູ້ວິທີປ້ອງກັນເຂດແດນຂອງລາວແລະສິດທີ່ຈະຮັກສາຕົວເອງໃນສະຖານະການໃດກໍ່ຕາມ, ແລະຍັງພ້ອມທີ່ຈະຍອມຮັບສິ່ງທີ່ພວກເຂົາເປັນແລະເຫັນຄຸນຄ່າທີ່ແທ້ຈິງຂອງມັນ, ນັກຈິດຕະສາດທີ່ມີຢູ່ແລ້ວ Svetlana Krivtsova ກ່າວ. ເຈົ້າຈະຊ່ວຍຕົວເອງໃຫ້ຢືດຢຸ່ນໄດ້ແນວໃດ?
Natalia, 37, shared her personal story: “I am a responsive and reliable person. It seems to be a good trait, but responsiveness often turns against me. Someone puts pressure or asks for something — and I immediately agree, even to my own detriment.
ເມື່ອບໍ່ດົນມານີ້ມັນເປັນວັນເກີດຂອງລູກຊາຍຂອງຂ້ອຍ. ພວກເຮົາໄປສະເຫຼີມສະຫຼອງມັນຢູ່ໃນຄາເຟໃນຕອນແລງ. ແຕ່ໃກ້ຈະຮອດ 18 ໂມງແລງ, ເມື່ອຂ້ອຍກໍາລັງຈະປິດຄອມພິວເຕີ, ເຈົ້ານາຍໄດ້ຂໍໃຫ້ຂ້ອຍຢູ່ແລະເຮັດການປ່ຽນແປງບົດລາຍງານທາງດ້ານການເງິນ. ແລະຂ້ອຍບໍ່ສາມາດປະຕິເສດລາວ. ຂ້ອຍຂຽນໄປຫາຜົວຂອງຂ້ອຍວ່າຂ້ອຍຈະຊ້າແລະຂໍໃຫ້ເລີ່ມຕົ້ນໂດຍບໍ່ມີຂ້ອຍ. ວັນພັກໄດ້ຖືກທໍາລາຍ. ແລະກ່ອນທີ່ເດັກນ້ອຍຂ້າພະເຈົ້າຮູ້ສຶກຜິດ, ແລະຈາກນາຍຈ້າງບໍ່ມີຄວາມກະຕັນຍູ ... ຂ້າພະເຈົ້າກຽດຊັງຕົນເອງສໍາລັບຄວາມອ່ອນໂຍນຂອງຂ້າພະເຈົ້າ. ຂ້າພະເຈົ້າປາດຖະຫນາວ່າຂ້າພະເຈົ້າຈະເຂັ້ມແຂງຂຶ້ນ!”
«Fear arises where there is ambiguity and fog»
Svetlana Krivtsova, ນັກຈິດຕະສາດທີ່ມີຢູ່ແລ້ວ
This problem, of course, has a solution, and more than one. The fact is that the essence of the problem has not yet been identified. Why couldn’t Natalya say «no» to her boss? There are many reasons, sometimes external circumstances are such that a person with a strong «I» just thinks that it is better to do the same as Natalya. However, it makes sense to consider the internal «circumstances», to understand why they are the way they are, and to find a solution for each of them.
So, why do we need to strengthen our «I» and how to do it?
1. ເພື່ອຫາທາງທີ່ຈະໄດ້ຍິນ
Context
ເຈົ້າມີຕໍາແໜ່ງ. ເຈົ້າຮູ້ແນ່ນອນວ່າທ່ານມີສິດທີ່ຈະສະເຫຼີມສະຫຼອງວັນເກີດຂອງລູກຂອງເຈົ້າກັບຄົນທີ່ທ່ານຮັກ. ຍິ່ງໄປກວ່ານັ້ນ, ມື້ເຮັດວຽກແມ່ນຫມົດແລ້ວ. ແລະທ່ານຮັບຮູ້ການຮ້ອງຂໍຢ່າງກະທັນຫັນຂອງນາຍຈ້າງເປັນການລະເມີດຂອບເຂດຂອງທ່ານ. ເຈົ້າເຕັມໃຈຄັດຄ້ານເຈົ້ານາຍ, ແຕ່ຄຳເວົ້າຖືກຕິດຢູ່ໃນຄໍຂອງເຈົ້າ. ເຈົ້າບໍ່ຮູ້ວິທີເວົ້າກັບຄົນອື່ນເພື່ອໃຫ້ໄດ້ຍິນ.
ອາດຈະເປັນ, ການຄັດຄ້ານຂອງເຈົ້າໃນອະດີດບໍ່ຄ່ອຍໄດ້ເອົາໃຈໃສ່ຢ່າງຈິງຈັງໂດຍໃຜ. ແລະເມື່ອທ່ານປົກປ້ອງບາງສິ່ງບາງຢ່າງ, ຕາມກົດລະບຽບ, ມັນຮ້າຍແຮງຂຶ້ນ. ວຽກງານຂອງເຈົ້າໃນກໍລະນີນີ້ແມ່ນເພື່ອຊອກຫາວິທີທີ່ຈະຊ່ວຍໃຫ້ທ່ານໄດ້ຍິນ.
ອອກ ກຳ ລັງກາຍ
Try the following technique. Its essence is to calmly and clearly, without raising your voice, pronounce what you want to convey several times. Formulate a short and clear message without the “not” particle. And then, when you listen to counterarguments, agree and repeat your main message again, and — this is important! — repeat using the particle «And», not «but».
ຍົກຕົວຢ່າງ:
- ຄໍາສໍາຄັນ: "Ivan Ivanovich, ມື້ນີ້ແມ່ນວັນທີ 5 ມີນາ, ນີ້ແມ່ນມື້ພິເສດ, ວັນເກີດຂອງລູກຊາຍຂອງຂ້ອຍ. ແລະພວກເຮົາວາງແຜນທີ່ຈະສະເຫຼີມສະຫຼອງມັນ. ລາວລໍຖ້າຂ້ອຍຈາກບ່ອນເຮັດວຽກຕາມເວລາ.”
- Central message: «Please let me leave work for home at six o’clock.»
If Ivan Ivanovich is a normal person, this one time will be enough. But if he is overwhelmed with anxiety because he has received scolding from a higher authority, he may be indignant: “But who will do this for you? All deficiencies must be corrected immediately.» Answer: Yes, you are probably right. The flaws need to be corrected. And please let me leave today at six o’clock», «Yes, this is my report, I am responsible for it. And please let me leave today at six o’clock.»
ຫຼັງຈາກທີ່ສູງສຸດຂອງ 4 ວົງຈອນການສົນທະນາ, ໃນທີ່ທ່ານຕົກລົງເຫັນດີກັບຜູ້ນໍາແລະເພີ່ມເງື່ອນໄຂຂອງທ່ານເອງ, ພວກເຂົາເຈົ້າເລີ່ມໄດ້ຍິນທ່ານແຕກຕ່າງກັນ.
In fact, this is the task of the leader — to seek compromises and try to combine mutually exclusive tasks. Not yours, otherwise you would be the leader, not him.
By the way, this is one of the virtues of a person with a strong «I»: the ability to take into account different arguments and find a solution that would suit everyone. We cannot influence another person, but we are able to find an approach to him and insist on our own.
2. ເພື່ອປົກປ້ອງຕົນເອງ
Context
ເຈົ້າບໍ່ຮູ້ສຶກໝັ້ນໃຈພາຍໃນ, ເຈົ້າສາມາດຖືກເຮັດຜິດໄດ້ງ່າຍ ແລະ ຂາດສິດທິໃນການຮຽກຮ້ອງຂອງເຈົ້າເອງ. ໃນກໍລະນີນີ້, ມັນເປັນມູນຄ່າທີ່ຈະຖາມຕົວເອງວ່າ: "ມັນເປັນໄປໄດ້ແນວໃດວ່າຂ້ອຍບໍ່ມີສິດທີ່ຈະປົກປ້ອງສິ່ງທີ່ຂ້ອຍຮັກ?" ແລະໃນທີ່ນີ້ທ່ານຕ້ອງຈື່ຈໍາປະຫວັດສາດຂອງຄວາມສໍາພັນກັບຜູ້ໃຫຍ່ທີ່ລ້ຽງດູທ່ານ.
ສ່ວນຫຼາຍອາດຈະ, ໃນຄອບຄົວຂອງເຈົ້າ, ຄວາມຄິດເລັກນ້ອຍແມ່ນໃຫ້ຄວາມຮູ້ສຶກຂອງເດັກ. ຄືກັບວ່າພວກເຂົາບີບເດັກນ້ອຍອອກຈາກສູນກາງແລະຍູ້ມັນເຂົ້າໄປໃນແຈໄກ, ປ່ອຍໃຫ້ສິດດຽວເທົ່ານັ້ນ: ເຮັດບາງສິ່ງບາງຢ່າງເພື່ອຄົນອື່ນ.
This does not mean that the child was not loved — they could love. But there was no time to think about his feelings, and there was no need. And now, a grown-up child has formed such a picture of the world in which he feels good and confident only in the role of a convenient “helper”.
Do you like it? If not, tell me, who is now responsible for expanding the space of your «I»? And what is this space?
ອອກ ກຳ ລັງກາຍ
It can be done in writing, but even better — in the form of a drawing or collage. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into two parts. In the left column, write: Habitual Me/Legitimate Me.
And next — «Secret» I «/Underground» I «». Fill in these sections — draw or describe the values and desires that you are entitled to (here the feelings of an obedient child seeking approval predominate — left column) and which for some reason you are not entitled to (here quite fair considerations of an adult — right column).
ຕົວເອງຂອງຜູ້ໃຫຍ່ຮູ້ວ່າມັນມີສິດທີ່ຈະບໍ່ເຮັດວຽກລ່ວງເວລາ, ແຕ່ … ມັນງ່າຍຫຼາຍທີ່ຈະກັບຄືນໄປສູ່ສະພາບຂອງເດັກນ້ອຍທີ່ເຊື່ອຟັງ. ຖາມຕົວເອງວ່າ: “ຂ້ອຍສັງເກດເຫັນ 'ການເປັນເດັກນ້ອຍ' ນີ້ບໍ? ຂ້ອຍເຂົ້າໃຈຄວາມຮູ້ສຶກ ແລະແຮງກະຕຸ້ນທີ່ບໍ່ສົມເຫດສົມຜົນຂອງຂ້ອຍບໍ? ມັນພຽງພໍທີ່ຈະຫ້າມຄວາມຈິງທີ່ວ່າໃນໄວເດັກຂອງຂ້ອຍບໍ່ມີໃຜສັງເກດເຫັນ, ຢືນຢັນຫຼືອະນຸຍາດໃຫ້ພວກເຂົາ?
And finally, ask yourself one more question: “Who am I waiting for this permission from now, when I have already grown up? Who will be that person who says, «Can you afford it?» It is quite obvious that an adult, mature person is such a “permit” and judge for himself.
It is difficult to follow the path of growing up, it is dangerous, like on thin ice. But this is a good experience, some steps have been taken, we need to practice further in this work. The essence of the work is the integration of desires and fears. When choosing what you really want, do not forget about your feelings. Own «childish» desire to be approved and accepted, on one side of the scale, the waiting eyes of the child — love for him — on the other. It’s worth starting with what touches you the most.
The concept of small steps helps a lot — to start with what is exactly mine and what is realistic to accomplish. So you train this integrative muscle day after day. Small steps mean a lot for becoming a strong «I». They take you from the role of a victim to the role of a person who has a project, a goal to which he is moving.
3. ເພື່ອປະເຊີນກັບຄວາມຢ້ານກົວຂອງທ່ານແລະຊີ້ແຈງຄວາມເປັນຈິງ
Context
You are very afraid to say «no» and lose stability. You value this job and your place too much, you feel so insecure that you can’t even think about refusing your boss. Talk about your rights? This question doesn’t even arise. In this case (assuming you’re really tired of being afraid), there’s only one solution: to face your fear bravely. How to do it?
ອອກ ກຳ ລັງກາຍ
1. Answer yourself: what are you afraid of? Perhaps the answer will be: “I’m afraid that the boss will get angry and force me to leave. I’ll be out of a job, out of money.»
2. Trying not to slip your thoughts from this frightening image, clearly imagine: what will happen in your life then? «I’m out of a job» — how will it be? How many months will you have enough money for? What will be the consequences? What will change for the worse? What will you feel about it? What will you do then? Answering the questions “What then?”, “And what will happen then?”, you need to move further and further until you reach the very bottom of this abyss of fear.
ແລະເມື່ອທ່ານມາຮອດສິ່ງທີ່ຂີ້ຮ້າຍທີ່ສຸດແລະ, ດ້ວຍຄວາມກ້າຫານເບິ່ງເຂົ້າໄປໃນຕາຂອງສິ່ງທີ່ຂີ້ຮ້າຍນີ້, ຖາມຕົວເອງວ່າ: "ຍັງມີໂອກາດທີ່ຈະເຮັດບາງສິ່ງບາງຢ່າງບໍ?" ເຖິງແມ່ນວ່າຈຸດສຸດທ້າຍແມ່ນ "ຈຸດສຸດທ້າຍຂອງຊີວິດ", "ຂ້ອຍຈະຕາຍ", ເຈົ້າຈະຮູ້ສຶກແນວໃດ? ເຈົ້າຄົງຈະໂສກເສົ້າຫຼາຍ. ແຕ່ຄວາມໂສກເສົ້າບໍ່ແມ່ນຄວາມຢ້ານກົວອີກຕໍ່ໄປ. ດັ່ງນັ້ນເຈົ້າສາມາດເອົາຊະນະຄວາມຢ້ານກົວໄດ້ຖ້າທ່ານມີຄວາມກ້າຫານທີ່ຈະຄິດມັນຜ່ານແລະເຂົ້າໃຈບ່ອນທີ່ມັນຈະນໍາໄປສູ່.
In 90% of cases, moving up this ladder of fear does not lead to any fatal consequences. And even helps to fix something. Fear arises where there is ambiguity and fog. By dispelling fear, you will achieve clarity. A strong «I» is friends with his fear, considers it as a good friend, which indicates the direction for personal growth.