Shame has many faces. He hides behind anxiety and fear, self-doubt and shyness, aggression and anger. Feeling shame in times of crisis is a natural occurrence. But if moderate shame is useful, then behind deep shame there is an abyss of unpleasant experiences. How to understand that shame is preventing you from living? Is healing possible?
Aren `t you ashamed?
“What is natural is not shameful,” wrote the ancient philosopher Seneca in his writings. Indeed, psychologists associate the feeling of shame with the fantasy that we can be ridiculed by others. For example, when people lose their jobs, some worry about how they can now earn a living, while others worry about what people will think of them. They will most likely be laughed at and embarrassed.
Shame always appears when something happens that makes a person notice a gap between his current position and the ideal image created in his head. Imagine a successful lawyer will have to work as a salesman. He is sure that everyone knows about his failure: passers-by, neighbors, family.
Parents often say: “Shame on you”: when the baby burst into tears in public or broke a new toy, when he spilled juice on the tablecloth at the festive table, or said a rude word. Shaming is an easy way to get a child to become obedient.
Without thinking about the consequences, adults give the baby such a message: “You will disappoint us if you don’t follow the rules”
A child who is often shamed draws one conclusion: «I am bad, I am wrong, something is wrong with me.» Behind this “something” lies an abyss of complexes and experiences that will be highlighted by the psyche when the baby becomes an adult.
With the right upbringing, parents instill in the child a sense of responsibility for their words and actions by clearly marking the rules, and not by constant shaming. For example: “If you break toys, they won’t buy you new ones” and so on. At the same time, if the child still broke toys, it is important for adults to focus on the fact that it is the act that is bad, and not the child himself.
Origins of Shame
Guilt is based on the belief that a person has done something wrong. Shame causes a feeling of wrongness and depravity of the personality.
Shame, like guilt, is linked to social context. But if guilt can be atoned for, it is almost impossible to get rid of shame. A person who is ashamed constantly asks himself the question that Fyodor Dostoevsky formulated in the novel Crime and Punishment: “Am I a trembling creature or do I have a right?”
A person who is ashamed asks questions about how valuable he is in himself, what actions he has the right to. With a lack of self-confidence, such a person cannot independently get out of the trap of shame.
In the context of today’s events, thousands of people are experiencing the so-called collective shame
The actions of people with whom we are connected on a national or any other basis, cause many emotions — anxiety, guilt, shame. Someone takes responsibility for the actions of other members of the group, whether family members or fellow citizens, and punishes himself for these actions. He may feel awkward when the phrases “I have nothing to do with it, I just stood by” are uttered, deny his identity, or show aggression directed both outward and inward.
Shame, which already reinforces the differences between people, makes you feel alienated, lonely. A metaphor can be a picture in which a person is standing completely naked in the middle of a crowded street. He is ashamed, he is lonely, they point fingers in his direction.
The failure of the group with which the person identifies himself is regarded by him as a personal failure. And the stronger the sense of shame, the more vividly experienced their own shortcomings. It is becoming increasingly difficult to cope with such a powerful feeling on your own.
The need for belonging is the cornerstone around which the experience of shame unfolds. As a child in childhood is afraid that his parents will leave him for being bad, so an adult expects to be abandoned. He believes that sooner or later everyone will leave him.
Confess that you are ashamed
“The ability to blush is the most human of all human properties,” said Charles Darwin. This feeling is familiar to many from childhood: cheeks are filled with paint, legs become cottony, a drop of sweat appears on the forehead, eyes go down, rumbles in the stomach.
During an argument with a partner or an explanation with a boss, the brain activates neural patterns, and shame literally paralyzes the entire body. A person is not able to take a step, despite the desperate desire to run away. A victim of shame may feel a lack of control over their own body, which makes the shame even deeper. A person can literally feel that he has shrunk, reduced in size. The experience of this feeling is unbearable, but it can be worked with.
Psychologists advise starting simple. As soon as you feel shame in your body, say, «I’m ashamed right now.» This confession alone is enough to come out of isolation and give yourself the opportunity to minimize the impact of shame. Of course, everyone is used to hiding their shame, hiding from it, but this only aggravates the situation.
Shame is healed by creating within a space to feel and watch as it comes and goes
It is important to separate yourself as a person and your thoughts and actions. In the process of observing shame, you should not try to get rid of it, it is better to understand its cause. But you need to do this in a safe space and in the right environment.
The factors that provoke shame are sometimes easy to recognize, and sometimes they need to be looked for. For someone, this is a post on a social network in which a friend writes how hard it is for him. The person realizes that he can do nothing to help, and plunges into shame. And for another, such a factor may be that he does not live up to his mother’s expectations. Here, working with a psychotherapist helps to highlight the origins of shame.
Ilse Sand, author of Shame. How to stop being afraid of being misunderstood, cites this advice: “If you want to enlist internal support, try to interact with people who are capable of what you are not yet. They behave naturally and confidently under any circumstances, always adhere to the same line of behavior.
Watching their actions, you will gain invaluable experience in solving your own problems.
At the same time, stop in the bud any attempts to manipulate you with the help of shame. Ask them to be respectful and not load you with unconstructive criticism, or leave whenever you feel uncomfortable.”
Experiences of shame for adults differ little from children’s modesty. This is the same feeling that you let someone down, that you are spoiled and do not have the right to acceptance and love. And if it is difficult for a child to change the focus of these sensations, an adult can do it.
Recognizing our shame, declaring our imperfection, we go out to people and are ready to receive help. Suppressing your feelings and defending yourself against them is the most destructive method. Yes, it’s easier, but the consequences can be detrimental to the psyche and self-esteem. Shame is treated with acceptance and trust.