ເມື່ອຄວາມອິດສາຂອງຄົນອື່ນເຮັດໃຫ້ເຮົາຮູ້ສຶກອາຍ

Shame in existential analysis is understood as a feeling that protects our intimacy. We can talk about “healthy” shame, when we feel our self-worth and do not want to show everything about ourselves to others. For example, I am ashamed that I did wrong, because in general I am a worthy person. Or am I ashamed when I was ridiculed, because I do not want to show my intimate in such a humiliating atmosphere. As a rule, we easily overcome this feeling, meeting the support and acceptance from others.

But sometimes shame feels very different: I am ashamed of myself, because deep down I believe that I cannot be accepted the way I am. For example, I am ashamed of my weight or the shape of my breasts, and I hide them. Or I’m afraid to show that I don’t know something or how I really think or feel, because I’m sure it’s unworthy.

A person continues to experience such «neurotic» shame again and again, repeating to himself: «I am not like that, I am nothing.» He does not attach importance to his successes, does not appreciate his achievements. Why? What is the value and meaning of such behavior? Phenomenological research shows that often shame in these cases performs a special function — it protects against the envy of another.

The fact is that we do not always recognize the envy of another or its influence on us. But we are aware of another experience: “I am ashamed.” How does this transformation take place?

Wanting to avoid the threat of someone else’s envy towards ourselves, we can begin to hide what we are good at, successful, prosperous. But when a person is afraid to show how good he is (including to himself), he hides it for so long and diligently that sooner or later he himself begins to believe that he really has nothing good. So the experience “he is jealous of me because I am good” is replaced by the experience “something is wrong with me, and I am ashamed of it”.

secret connection

Let’s see how this pattern is formed and consolidated in different types of relationships.

1. Child’s relationship with significant adults

Imagine a situation where a mother is jealous of her own daughter because she has a loving father, whom her mother did not have in her time.

The child cannot imagine that a strong and big parent can envy him. Envy jeopardizes attachment, relationships. After all, if a parent is jealous of me, I feel aggression on his part and worry that our relationship is in danger, because I am objectionable to them the way I am. As a result, the daughter may learn to be ashamed, that is, to feel that something is wrong with her (to avoid aggression from the mother).

This feeling of shame for oneself is fixed and further arises in relationships with other people, in reality it no longer protects against envy.

Descriptions of how this connection is formed can be found in the book by psychologist Irina Mlodik “Modern children and their non-modern parents. About what is so difficult to admit” (Genesis, 2017).

Here are some of the most common intra-gender scenarios.

Competition between mother and daughter. The recent history of the USSR did not involve the development of femininity. In the USSR, “there was no sex”, the attractiveness “for show” caused condemnation and aggression. Two roles were «approved» — a woman-worker and a woman-mother. And now, in our time, when the daughter begins to demonstrate femininity, condemnation and unconscious competition from the mother fall upon her. The mother sends messages to her daughter about the unpretentiousness of her figure, the defiant appearance, bad taste, and so on. As a result, the girl is shackled, pinched and gets a high chance to repeat the fate of her mother.

Father-son rivalry. An unrealized father is not sure of his masculine qualities. It is extremely difficult for him to accept the success of his son, because this confronts him with his own failure and fear of losing power.

Unrealized father — a man who, for a number of reasons, never really became an adult, did not learn to cope with life. It is difficult for him to deal with the adult in his children. Such a father has not learned how to relate to his wife’s femininity and therefore does not know how to deal with his daughter’s femininity. He may try to raise her «like a son», focusing on her career achievements. But at the same time, it is just as difficult for him to withstand her success. As, however, it is difficult to accept an adequate man next to her.

2. Peer relationships at school

Everyone knows examples when gifted children, successful students become marginalized in the class and objects of bullying. They hide their talents because they are afraid of rejection or aggression. A teenager wants to have the same thing that a capable classmate has, but does not express it directly. He doesn’t say, «You’re so cool, I’m jealous that you/you have it, against your background, I don’t feel okay.»

Instead, the envious person devalues ​​the peer or aggressively attacks: “What do you think about yourself! Fool (k) or what?”, “Who walks like that! Your legs are crooked!» (and inside — «she has something that I should have, I want to destroy it in her or take it for myself»).

3. Relationships between adults

Envy is a normal part of the social response to achievement. At work, we often encounter this. We are not envied because we are bad, but because we achieve.

And we can also perceive this experience as dangerous for relationships: the envy of the boss threatens to destroy our career, and the envy of colleagues threatens our reputation. Dishonest entrepreneurs may try to take over our successful business. Acquaintances may end relationships with us in order to punish us for our achievements and not feel out of place in our background. A partner who finds it difficult to survive that we are somehow more successful than him, devalues ​​us, and so on.

As the transactional analyst and integrative psychotherapist Richard Erskine put it, “Envy is an income tax on achievement. The more you achieve, the more you pay. This is not about the fact that we do something badly; it’s about doing something well.»

In our culture, the fear of presenting your “goodness” to the outside world is broadcast in well-known messages: “it’s a shame to show achievements,” “keep your head down,” “don’t be rich so that they don’t take away.”

The history of the XNUMXth century with dispossession, Stalin’s repressions and comradely courts only reinforced this persistent feeling: «It is generally unsafe to show oneself, and the walls have ears.»

And yet part of the competence of adults is to be able to withstand and recognize envy, while continuing to realize their values.

ສິ່ງທີ່ສາມາດເຮັດໄດ້?

Understanding the relationship between shame and envy is the first step towards liberation from this painful attitude. It is important to discover this substitution — how the feeling «he is jealous that I’m cool» was transformed into the feeling «I’m ashamed that I’m cool», and then into the belief «I’m not cool».

To see this envy (that is, first to understand oneself, one’s pain, and then the feelings of another as their root cause) is a task that one cannot always cope with on one’s own. This is where working with a psychotherapist would be effective. The specialist helps to assess the threat of a particular situation, analyze its real consequences, provide protection and withstand the envy of another (which we are not able to control).

The work of recognizing genuine experiences and releasing neurotic shame is extremely helpful. It helps to regain a sense of my worth (and with it the right to show myself as I am), the readiness and ability to defend myself against external depreciation, to restore trust and commitment to myself.